Sometimes I wonder when the sadness of all of this wears off. I hate that lingering feeling in the back of my mind, even when I try to be my goofy, happy self. I catch my husband checking chicks out when we go out to eat and it breaks my heart. Of course they are about 25-40 inches tall and their weight varies from about 20-45 pounds and their hair usually had lots of bows and they have to eat their food from a baby jar and sit in a high chair......but I think all of this hurts him as much, if not more.
It seems I become a pregnant stalker. I look at all the things that I would love to have when we get pregnant and have a baby. It feels like a whole world that I won't get to experience. I try not to get too involved with all that I would love to do when I get pregnant but I want to keep all of that for when I AM pregnant. I just imagine that time will be full of so much joy, I keep telling myself I will be so fully of happiness I will feel like I could burst. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when I get to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and get to see my husband's face when he realizes he is going to be a father. I can't even begin to imagine how full of joy and awe I will be in when I get to go pick out my nursery items and begin to set up a nursery and buy baby clothes and sit everyday and talk to my baby.
I cry when I talk about things with my husband. I'm not baby obsessed but there are things that I just don't understand and I am so thankful that he will listen to me and talk with me but as much as I'm not baby obsessed I also try and not be TTC obsessed. The whole process just scares me because people who have been trying to have a baby for less time have already moved on to IUI or Pre-IVF appointments and I'm not sure that is something I want to move to, then I question myself of why I wouldn't. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn to months it just ticks closer to when I said I would go back to my OB/GYN like my husband has asked and I am horrified. I'm scared about what she will say, I'm scared she will blow me off, I'm just scared in general.
I will be Better
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will not be better because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have to struggle to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of a child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in a sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself from discomfort. I see it, I mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Anonymous
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will not be better because of genetics, or money, or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have to struggle to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of a child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in a sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself from discomfort. I see it, I mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
~Anonymous
Blog Archive
My Readings
Cheri
They show a GIRL and they link her to SEPTEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. They tell me the 16-23rd so not sure if your set to ovulate or test during that time?
SEPT and BOY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
they show me OCTOBER and GIRL so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
From Oct 2009 reading
Roxy
Brandie, I am seeing the month of May and Boy for you. Remember this can be birth, conceive or BFP month.
Jenny
Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of July from a cycle that begins in June. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of April 2010 - specific reference to the 2nd and 8th
They show a GIRL and they link her to SEPTEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. They tell me the 16-23rd so not sure if your set to ovulate or test during that time?
SEPT and BOY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
they show me OCTOBER and GIRL so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
From Oct 2009 reading
Roxy
Brandie, I am seeing the month of May and Boy for you. Remember this can be birth, conceive or BFP month.
Jenny
Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of July from a cycle that begins in June. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of April 2010 - specific reference to the 2nd and 8th
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