Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Another month gone

So another month has gone. Still not a mommy and still haven't made him a daddy. I should have started AF yesterday but she isn't here yet, but I just got positive OPKs last week (but of course I use the Answer brand and everyone says that they are too sensitive so you get lots of false positives). Great. Perfect. The only shred of sunlight I get each month, that shows I'm fertile isn't really fertile, it's "fertile".

Since my ovulation is kind of weird I don't know how I'm going to tell my husband we need to spend $50 a week so I can get POAS kind so I can pee twice a day for almost 3 weeks. I'm sure he's going to love that. He called yesterday to the Reproductive Center of M. about getting a sperm count done because we will be paying out of pocket. They said "Oh sure, we can do that. It is $75 but your wife's OB/GYN has to sign off on the documents so the procedure can be done."

He was like, WTF?! Which I agree is crazy! I have no idea why, what does it matter? If I go to my dr. and tell her I want to do some fertility testing on my eggs there are no documents for him to sign off on! Women can get pregnant with other men's babies and their husband's and significant other's don't have to sign off on dr.'s visits. But at least the test is only $75. I figured it would be like $175 because even though it is a simple test to do, it usually is one of the first things that is done because it is so easy. Since so many people have it done and it is so important to do and everyone who is having trouble TTC gets it done I figured they would try and charge out the ass because of that fact.

I think I have a yeast infection, it isn't comfortable down there but I don't think I've ever really had a yeast infection. It isn't gross or anything, just uncomfortable so I was going to get the yeast infection tester kit but I knew after I spend that $20 bucks it would be positive for one and then I'd have to go back and spend $20 more bucks to get the treatment. Just my luck.

When I removed the applicator there was a little blood on the end. I just broke down and cried and cried because that isn't something I want to see. I don't want to see it for like 10 months!!! I want to see a positive pregnancy test, I want to see two lines and I want to tell him I'm pregnant because he wants kids so bad and my heart is getting crushed over and over. It breaks my heart to hear him say "Did you start your period?" and (for example this month) "No, but I'm not sure when I'll start because it says I o'd just last week."

I don't understand why NOW when we're TTC my cycles are going crazy? I thought for sure because AF was so predictable, PERFECTLY 31 days that my O would be on a similar regular schedule. Uh, no. So I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, B6 and using progesterone cream to try and extend my LP (which has been short for months since I've been tracking). But since I tested today and got a BFN obviously it isn't going to matter since I haven't conceived anything to have to try and keep "stuck".

It is just breaking my heart.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm not sure I can do this, I really don't think I can.

I don't understand why this is rocket science?! I've been pregnant before so I know I'm able to get pregnant--I don't want to talk about that but it was natural, no OPKs, no temping, no vitamins, nothing--just natural.

Now I'm using OPKs, charting, temping, taking B6, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, progesterone cream, cutting down on caffeine, tons less stress and noting. For months. I just don't think I can do this. It is always something new to read---these OPKs are too sensitive, have sex every other day, have sex every day, have sex during a full moon while standing on your head...

I just don't get it, and then to be on these message boards and read about people trying to conceive THEIR 7TH CHILD?!!! What in the hell do you need seven f%*king children! I think I would love one or two children just as much as I would love SEVEN! I think some people want a large family and more power to them but I think sometimes they are selfish. All that time, energy and money they could put into one, two or three children. But I guess the more children the more tax write-offs and government beneifits.

I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this because my husband thinks it is oh so simple and I swear he acts like an 8 year old. it would be so nice to have support---I just don't get it! He's the one after all that wants this baby and I just don't know how everything is suppose to work, having a job, having a kid and he wants me to stay home-which would be great in theory. He would rather work 2 jobs and be gone all day 6 days a week so I can stay home but it isn't fun to be by myself all freaking day--but his families business is very important to him but I already know it is more important than me or the family we could have

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Road to a Miracle

Hello, my name is Brandie and I started this blog because my husband Brise and I are trying to conceive our first child. We've been together since we were young, since I was 13 and he was 17, and we've been married since October 21, 2006. We have two dogs, a small female poodle named Sadie who I've had for years, and another poodle mix that we took in from our neighborhood; Buddy.

Brise is very excited to become a daddy one day. It hasn't been as easy as we thought but we're learning. We started our journey with trying to let nature take its course by just being together but after a few months we decided we would actively get more involved. I've been using ovulation predictors for a few months and I've added prenatal vitamins as well as B6 after noticing a short LP cycle.

This month I'm considering using progesterone cream but just as easy as it is to use it it is also pretty serious if you stop taking it or forget to. I'm not one that runs to the doctor for each and every thing so I'm going to put forth a few more months worth of effort before I go and discuss any issues with my OB/GYN. Because of events in the past I'll be changing to a new OB/GYN so I have to make a list and make some visits to different places. My husband has already decided which hospital he would like to have our child out but we'll need to take visits of the hospitals and get a good idea of the care and atmosphere.

I think my husband is more excited about our journey than I am, I'm one of those who isn't sure if there is ever a "perfect time" to have a baby, it is such a responsibility and you give up so much to have a child. You give up your time, freedom, independence and together time, you give up your life because it is no longer about you. I know that it is worth it but it is a lot to think about.

We've only told two people we're trying, a great guy he works with and my best friend. My mom and dad I don't think will be excited at all, they live very young and my mother already doesn't even want to be called "grandma", after all she rides a motorcycle and they take vacations once every other month. My husband's father is a very strange person, he is very cold and doesn't like me at all, never has but he's ok at times. We haven't spoken more than 20 minutes worth of conversation to each other in 10 years. My husband's family is very cold, his mother and father are divorced--both remarried. I know that his mother will be excited, she talks about it all the time. I only have my father's mother and father left and they've both got advanced stages of dementia so they won't understand when I'm pregnant but he still has both sets of his grandparents so maybe they will be excited.

It is a scary journey but he and I have been though a lot of tough times and we've made it this far and still love each other very much so I'm willing to take this journey with him. I don't think I could ask for a more excited man to have a baby with, I just hope I can make him a daddy soon.


On the Road to Baby! Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved Baby Blog Designed by Ipiet | All Image Presented by Tadpole's Notez