I have to say that our Christmas went rather smoothly. I was so worried due to all of our family drama (on both sides) but we made it and I couldn't be happier!! We plan on taking a vacation next year during Christmas just to avoid the drama and all the stress. Going to my Aunt's house, my mother's house, his mother's house, his grandmother's house (mom's side), his grandmother's house (dad's side), then his father's house....we're a bit tired. I think we got up on Christmas morning around 7:00 AM and we didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM and we did nothing but go all day!!
I was a little sad because his uncle has 3 small children that are all 3 under three so the Christmas over there was of course centered totally around the children but I kept reminding myself of the "one day". Of course, I was already excited because on Christmas morning when I took my Fertility Monitor reading I got a PEAK reading! It was on CD 21 (just like clock work!) and I have yet to tell DH. I feel bad, like I'm keeping something from him but he gets so worked up and so nervous because he puts pressure on himself to preform that sometimes he has problems (or course not ANY other time than THE "Perfect" time). We BD'd last night and maybe we will tonight but I'm almost certain that I have already O'd. I got a positive OPK (pee stick) on Christmas Eve and was trying to wait up for him but I fell asleep about 45 minutes before he got home! Uggghh, I was so mad at myself!
And we went shopping today and I bought something that somewhat made me feel better, but in a way it was more like a goal for the year. Since all the Christmas items were on sale I got a little sleeper that says "My 1st Christmas" and bought it in front of DH because I looked at him and told him that we would need that by next Christmas and in my heart I really think, and it may be more of a hope, but I just feel that we will have a little one by next Christmas. We may not but in my heart I just feel it and I hope that maybe we will have our own little miracle next year. And if not, at least we'll probably be on a cruise ship sitting on a sandy beach in Mexico!
Sometimes I wonder when the sadness of all of this wears off. I hate that lingering feeling in the back of my mind, even when I try to be my goofy, happy self. I catch my husband checking chicks out when we go out to eat and it breaks my heart. Of course they are about 25-40 inches tall and their weight varies from about 20-45 pounds and their hair usually had lots of bows and they have to eat their food from a baby jar and sit in a high chair......but I think all of this hurts him as much, if not more.
It seems I become a pregnant stalker. I look at all the things that I would love to have when we get pregnant and have a baby. It feels like a whole world that I won't get to experience. I try not to get too involved with all that I would love to do when I get pregnant but I want to keep all of that for when I AM pregnant. I just imagine that time will be full of so much joy, I keep telling myself I will be so fully of happiness I will feel like I could burst. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when I get to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and get to see my husband's face when he realizes he is going to be a father. I can't even begin to imagine how full of joy and awe I will be in when I get to go pick out my nursery items and begin to set up a nursery and buy baby clothes and sit everyday and talk to my baby.
I cry when I talk about things with my husband. I'm not baby obsessed but there are things that I just don't understand and I am so thankful that he will listen to me and talk with me but as much as I'm not baby obsessed I also try and not be TTC obsessed. The whole process just scares me because people who have been trying to have a baby for less time have already moved on to IUI or Pre-IVF appointments and I'm not sure that is something I want to move to, then I question myself of why I wouldn't. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn to months it just ticks closer to when I said I would go back to my OB/GYN like my husband has asked and I am horrified. I'm scared about what she will say, I'm scared she will blow me off, I'm just scared in general.
So as much as I try to keep my head up about this whole process, I can't.
Another month of BFN and I've done all I can do to try and stay in good spirits. Joined the TTC message board only to feel alone and see the swoons of BFPs everywhere. I try to talk to friends, who have no idea, I try to talk to my husband who is amazing and supportive but can only understand so much, I read magazines, articles and books to try and learn new things.
I have never felt more alone in this process than I do right now. I don't even think I can explain it. I told a friend of mine that knows we've been trying that it feels like my whole soul is empty. Sounds dramatic but it is a deep pain that is hard to even describe.
I don't know, maybe it is just time to hang it up because I don't feel that I have anyone in my corner. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life because it isn't something that anyone in my family has experienced, the actual "trying" to have a baby, it just happened. DH's family and I are aren't very close so I definintely can't talk to them. Even though some have asked if we are trying and sometimes I will answer "We're thinking about it" because deep down I don't want their advice that is outdated by 20 years (since no one in either family is anywhere near my age LOL). Maybe I should join a few message boards and maybe I wouldn't feel the "clique-ishness" as much. Maybe it is just all together frustrating. Maybe it is just the season, with the Kay Jeweler's commercials with the newborn and the Pampers Christmas commercial with the newborns with "Silent Night" playing in the background.
Maybe I'm still too young, we're pretty young, we could do all kinds of things. We could still be wild! It isn't that I don't want a child but I started all of this after 1.) a loss and 2.) after my husband wanted to start trying. After about 6 months of doing the laid back approach we decided to bring in the bigger guns and start using OPKs and offically turn to TTC so I guess I really did warm up to the idea and really did want that but sometimes I wonder if we're not doing this too soon. We could still spend years together traveling and enjoying restful nights, but then I can't imagine when we think we're ready again how long it would take since this has already been a year long process. It is also quickly approaching that big 3-0 mark for DH, which he wanted to have children by the time he was 30 so maybe after the New Year we we evaluate some things.
