Friday, December 11, 2009

So as much as I try to keep my head up about this whole process, I can't.

Another month of BFN and I've done all I can do to try and stay in good spirits. Joined the TTC message board only to feel alone and see the swoons of BFPs everywhere. I try to talk to friends, who have no idea, I try to talk to my husband who is amazing and supportive but can only understand so much, I read magazines, articles and books to try and learn new things.

I have never felt more alone in this process than I do right now. I don't even think I can explain it. I told a friend of mine that knows we've been trying that it feels like my whole soul is empty. Sounds dramatic but it is a deep pain that is hard to even describe.

I don't know, maybe it is just time to hang it up because I don't feel that I have anyone in my corner. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life because it isn't something that anyone in my family has experienced, the actual "trying" to have a baby, it just happened. DH's family and I are aren't very close so I
definintely can't talk to them. Even though some have asked if we are trying and sometimes I will answer "We're thinking about it" because deep down I don't want their advice that is outdated by 20 years (since no one in either family is anywhere near my age LOL). Maybe I should join a few message boards and maybe I wouldn't feel the "clique-ishness" as much. Maybe it is just all together frustrating. Maybe it is just the season, with the Kay Jeweler's commercials with the newborn and the Pampers Christmas commercial with the newborns with "Silent Night" playing in the background.

Maybe I'm still too young, we're pretty young, we could do all kinds of things. We could still be wild! It isn't that I don't want a child but I started all of this after 1.) a loss and 2.) after my husband wanted to start trying. After about 6 months of doing the laid back approach we decided to bring in the bigger guns and start using OPKs and offically turn to TTC so I guess I really did warm up to the idea and really did want that but sometimes I wonder if we're not doing this too soon. We could still spend years together traveling and enjoying restful nights, but then I can't imagine when we think we're ready again how long it would take since this has already been a year long process. It is also quickly approaching that big 3-0 mark for DH, which he wanted to have children by the time he was 30 so maybe after the New Year we we evaluate some things.

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