Monday, November 30, 2009

Becoming Heartbroken

My temp is back down to where it was when I started AF last month so I am sure I am out. Especially with my late O and I usually start AF every 31 days so my LP will be too short to sustain a pregnancy anyway.

I just want to give up, I just don't understand why my body fails me over and over and over and over again. I've done so much, I've timed BD, not timed BD, I temp, then not temp, I've charted for months and it seems I O every month, I use OPKs (3 different brands), I've done my own research on OPKs after discovering that one can be positive and another can be negative so some are more sensitive than others, I've got the CBEFM and got peak days on it the first month I've used it, I've taken prenantal vitamins, I've taken Soy Iso, I've used Instead Cups, I've used baby asprin, I've checked my cervix, I've investigated any type of CM I see, I've had sex in all the postions, I've propped my butt up, I've not propped my butt up, I've read the books, I've read the articles, I've done the reasearch, and then I've tried the whole "Don't stress and let it happen naturally" yeah, thanks for that advice.

I just want to cry, I just don't understand. I see everyone saying when they get their BFP how blessed they are, but then I don't undestand things even more. What about all these awful parents out there? God planned for these children to be born into abuse? I guess I'm too much of an awful person to be a mom. I read online of women who are on their 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and up child. I just want one, I'd be grateful for just one!

This whole TTC process seems to go hot and cold, it is so stressful. It's been almost a year, my DH and I have faught and cried and tried month after month and I wanted to let him know I was pregnant on Christmas morning. I had this whole plan all planned out but it just fell a part. DH and I got into an argument because he felt our scheduled BDing isn't romantic and he was too out of it to *cough* *cough* do what we needed to do, even though it was perfect timing---so even the ornament I was going to use in hopes of getting the positive HPT and hanging it on our Christmas tree for him to see--got smashed because I knew it was over. He keeps reminding me that I need to go to the dr. to get her advice (since she was the dr. I went to when I was pregnant) but I keep telling him I want to wait until after the holidays so I don't have to juggle that too.

I just want to cry. I just want to give up because I just don't undestand. And of course the almost daily pregnancy announcements on FaceBook don't help the emotions, either.

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