Monday, November 30, 2009

Becoming Heartbroken

My temp is back down to where it was when I started AF last month so I am sure I am out. Especially with my late O and I usually start AF every 31 days so my LP will be too short to sustain a pregnancy anyway.

I just want to give up, I just don't understand why my body fails me over and over and over and over again. I've done so much, I've timed BD, not timed BD, I temp, then not temp, I've charted for months and it seems I O every month, I use OPKs (3 different brands), I've done my own research on OPKs after discovering that one can be positive and another can be negative so some are more sensitive than others, I've got the CBEFM and got peak days on it the first month I've used it, I've taken prenantal vitamins, I've taken Soy Iso, I've used Instead Cups, I've used baby asprin, I've checked my cervix, I've investigated any type of CM I see, I've had sex in all the postions, I've propped my butt up, I've not propped my butt up, I've read the books, I've read the articles, I've done the reasearch, and then I've tried the whole "Don't stress and let it happen naturally" yeah, thanks for that advice.

I just want to cry, I just don't understand. I see everyone saying when they get their BFP how blessed they are, but then I don't undestand things even more. What about all these awful parents out there? God planned for these children to be born into abuse? I guess I'm too much of an awful person to be a mom. I read online of women who are on their 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and up child. I just want one, I'd be grateful for just one!

This whole TTC process seems to go hot and cold, it is so stressful. It's been almost a year, my DH and I have faught and cried and tried month after month and I wanted to let him know I was pregnant on Christmas morning. I had this whole plan all planned out but it just fell a part. DH and I got into an argument because he felt our scheduled BDing isn't romantic and he was too out of it to *cough* *cough* do what we needed to do, even though it was perfect timing---so even the ornament I was going to use in hopes of getting the positive HPT and hanging it on our Christmas tree for him to see--got smashed because I knew it was over. He keeps reminding me that I need to go to the dr. to get her advice (since she was the dr. I went to when I was pregnant) but I keep telling him I want to wait until after the holidays so I don't have to juggle that too.

I just want to cry. I just want to give up because I just don't undestand. And of course the almost daily pregnancy announcements on FaceBook don't help the emotions, either.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

New Baby Items


I'm bad, I know. But I couldn't help it!!!

I love Disney so I was so excited when I seen these, I've never seen them before. The socks say the cutest thing and the hat has a crown on it and it says what my glass slipper said when my husband proposed to me so it was special in a different way :) Hubby loved them and thought they were so cute :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why I will NEVER Co-Sleep

X-Posted from

This is not a debate. I wanted to share with you girls what I experienced today. Before I begin I want everyone to know that when you have a child you have the right to raise your child however you see fit; your life, your child's life, your decisions. As some of you know I work for the Sheriff's Office of my county and this is what we dealt with today.

These are the exact words from the police report.

"They stated at approximately 0030 hours they were getting ready for bed and the victim was crying and wouldn't go to sleep. The couple gave the victim a baby bottle full of formula which seemed to help. They then put the victim on top of a pillow in the middle of the bed and went to sleep. The reportee states that at approximately 0125 hours he woke up and found blood on him near his shoulder and in the bed; the victim was not breathing and he then called 911. There was a blood stain on the sheets in the center of the bed."

The family called 911 this morning to report their 2 month old son was bleeding from the nose and mouth.

This afternoon we were told the child had died. The parent had rolled over on top of the child; both parents were in the bed.

I don't want to sway anyone's decisions to how they parent their children, obviously I am more than sure you can guess what my choice is. I know there is a significant risk of SIDS associated with crib sleeping (which is now being linked to ventilation) but I cannot begin to imagine what it could have felt like to wait up, less than an hour later, covered in your child's own blood on you, in your bed, then the child to be pronounced dead the next day. It is simply for your information. To have to talk with the Department of Forensic Science about dead 2 month old due to co-sleeping was soul shattering, by far one of the worst things I have experienced and I hope and pray that none of us, our family or our friend, or their family or friends ever have to go through something like that.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

10 Month Mark and Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Tree

Well it has been a pretty good while since I have posted. Mostly because of the fact that some people don't understand what a "blog" is, that it is an opinion and point of view and after the nasty comments I got on some of my posts, I just figured to delete them. I guess I will vent in writing about the things that aren't considered "Politically Correct", even though I've gotten emails from ladies who feel the same way I do but don't have the guts to say what I say.

Not a lot has changed though. I am still not a mommy. It has been over 10 months on the TTC process (after the loss in Oct. of 2008). I have chosen to go see my OB/GYN that I saw when I was pregnant in January if I'm not pregnant by then. I will have covered the usual 12 month TTC mark, even though I know that isn't necessary since I've been charting, temping and using OPKs. I still have a normal period, around 31 days (some days 30 because it will come a few hours before midnight on the 31st day). Not a lot of pain with AF or anything, but it is usually only about 3-4 days and there have been months when my LP has been short so one of the first things I'm going to ask for is a progesterone test to be done. But maybe everything will work out, I feel like maybe she'll be more open to seeing if there is a problem since she has my ultrasound and blood work from the last time I was pregnant.

The most interesting thing that has changed is now I am on "Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Chrsitmas Tree" code worded MHADBC for short ha ha, yes it does sound weird but for our anniversary I got him an iPod Touch and a different set of ear buds (I hated the ones that came with mine) so I wrapped them seperately and gave him the ear buds first (kinda like so he would be like "What are these for"). Later that night he told me that he got really excited when he saw the package because it was oddly shapped because he thought it was going to be a BFP. He also said that I told him that he would be mad at me over the gift and he thought it was my way of telling him I was pregnant (don't quite understand this one). So he was really excited thinking I was pregnant. Which was crushing.

So the other day in the store we had went to get some Halloween candy for a friend of our's twins and he wandered off and came back holding a little girl 0-3 month Christmas dress and he had this look on his face of "OMG is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen and OMG why are we not pregnant because I want I a baby because I talk about it all the time so I think about it all the time and I want to spoil our child rotten and it isn't here yet". Dont' ask me how I know this, I just do. So to aide in the Operation MHADBC I have gotten the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and even though it is month one, I'm hoping (especially since I've got 12 boxes of CBE OPK pee sticks to use too!) and I started taking soy isoflavones (the natural clomid) but I'm a litte scared. It feels weird really trying to get pregnant. I won't have anyone to complain to when I am pregnant and have NO excuses to not have everything in order, bought and paid for.

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