Saturday, December 26, 2009

Preparing for the Road Ahead

I have to say that our Christmas went rather smoothly. I was so worried due to all of our family drama (on both sides) but we made it and I couldn't be happier!! We plan on taking a vacation next year during Christmas just to avoid the drama and all the stress. Going to my Aunt's house, my mother's house, his mother's house, his grandmother's house (mom's side), his grandmother's house (dad's side), then his father's house....we're a bit tired. I think we got up on Christmas morning around 7:00 AM and we didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM and we did nothing but go all day!!

I was a little sad because his uncle has 3 small children that are all 3 under three so the Christmas over there was of course centered totally around the children but I kept reminding myself of the "one day". Of course, I was already excited because on Christmas morning when I took my Fertility Monitor reading I got a PEAK reading! It was on CD 21 (just like clock work!) and I have yet to tell DH. I feel bad, like I'm keeping something from him but he gets so worked up and so nervous because he puts pressure on himself to preform that sometimes he has problems (or course not ANY other time than THE "Perfect" time). We BD'd last night and maybe we will tonight but I'm almost certain that I have already O'd. I got a positive OPK (pee stick) on Christmas Eve and was trying to wait up for him but I fell asleep about 45 minutes before he got home! Uggghh, I was so mad at myself!

And we went shopping today and I bought something that somewhat made me feel better, but in a way it was more like a goal for the year. Since all the Christmas items were on sale I got a little sleeper that says "My 1st Christmas" and bought it in front of DH because I looked at him and told him that we would need that by next Christmas and in my heart I really think, and it may be more of a hope, but I just feel that we will have a little one by next Christmas. We may not but in my heart I just feel it and I hope that maybe we will have our own little miracle next year. And if not, at least we'll probably be on a cruise ship sitting on a sandy beach in Mexico!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sometimes I wonder when the sadness of all of this wears off. I hate that lingering feeling in the back of my mind, even when I try to be my goofy, happy self. I catch my husband checking chicks out when we go out to eat and it breaks my heart. Of course they are about 25-40 inches tall and their weight varies from about 20-45 pounds and their hair usually had lots of bows and they have to eat their food from a baby jar and sit in a high chair......but I think all of this hurts him as much, if not more.

It seems I become a pregnant stalker. I look at all the things that I would love to have when we get pregnant and have a baby. It feels like a whole world that I won't get to experience. I try not to get too involved with all that I would love to do when I get pregnant but I want to keep all of that for when I AM pregnant. I just imagine that time will be full of so much joy, I keep telling myself I will be so fully of happiness I will feel like I could burst. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when I get to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and get to see my husband's face when he realizes he is going to be a father. I can't even begin to imagine how full of joy and awe I will be in when I get to go pick out my nursery items and begin to set up a nursery and buy baby clothes and sit everyday and talk to my baby.

I cry when I talk about things with my husband. I'm not baby obsessed but there are things that I just don't understand and I am so thankful that he will listen to me and talk with me but as much as I'm not baby obsessed I also try and not be TTC obsessed. The whole process just scares me because people who have been trying to have a baby for less time have already moved on to IUI or Pre-IVF appointments and I'm not sure that is something I want to move to, then I question myself of why I wouldn't. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn to months it just ticks closer to when I said I would go back to my OB/GYN like my husband has asked and I am horrified. I'm scared about what she will say, I'm scared she will blow me off, I'm just scared in general.

Friday, December 11, 2009

So as much as I try to keep my head up about this whole process, I can't.

Another month of BFN and I've done all I can do to try and stay in good spirits. Joined the TTC message board only to feel alone and see the swoons of BFPs everywhere. I try to talk to friends, who have no idea, I try to talk to my husband who is amazing and supportive but can only understand so much, I read magazines, articles and books to try and learn new things.

I have never felt more alone in this process than I do right now. I don't even think I can explain it. I told a friend of mine that knows we've been trying that it feels like my whole soul is empty. Sounds dramatic but it is a deep pain that is hard to even describe.

I don't know, maybe it is just time to hang it up because I don't feel that I have anyone in my corner. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life because it isn't something that anyone in my family has experienced, the actual "trying" to have a baby, it just happened. DH's family and I are aren't very close so I
definintely can't talk to them. Even though some have asked if we are trying and sometimes I will answer "We're thinking about it" because deep down I don't want their advice that is outdated by 20 years (since no one in either family is anywhere near my age LOL). Maybe I should join a few message boards and maybe I wouldn't feel the "clique-ishness" as much. Maybe it is just all together frustrating. Maybe it is just the season, with the Kay Jeweler's commercials with the newborn and the Pampers Christmas commercial with the newborns with "Silent Night" playing in the background.

Maybe I'm still too young, we're pretty young, we could do all kinds of things. We could still be wild! It isn't that I don't want a child but I started all of this after 1.) a loss and 2.) after my husband wanted to start trying. After about 6 months of doing the laid back approach we decided to bring in the bigger guns and start using OPKs and offically turn to TTC so I guess I really did warm up to the idea and really did want that but sometimes I wonder if we're not doing this too soon. We could still spend years together traveling and enjoying restful nights, but then I can't imagine when we think we're ready again how long it would take since this has already been a year long process. It is also quickly approaching that big 3-0 mark for DH, which he wanted to have children by the time he was 30 so maybe after the New Year we we evaluate some things.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Becoming Heartbroken

My temp is back down to where it was when I started AF last month so I am sure I am out. Especially with my late O and I usually start AF every 31 days so my LP will be too short to sustain a pregnancy anyway.

I just want to give up, I just don't understand why my body fails me over and over and over and over again. I've done so much, I've timed BD, not timed BD, I temp, then not temp, I've charted for months and it seems I O every month, I use OPKs (3 different brands), I've done my own research on OPKs after discovering that one can be positive and another can be negative so some are more sensitive than others, I've got the CBEFM and got peak days on it the first month I've used it, I've taken prenantal vitamins, I've taken Soy Iso, I've used Instead Cups, I've used baby asprin, I've checked my cervix, I've investigated any type of CM I see, I've had sex in all the postions, I've propped my butt up, I've not propped my butt up, I've read the books, I've read the articles, I've done the reasearch, and then I've tried the whole "Don't stress and let it happen naturally" yeah, thanks for that advice.

I just want to cry, I just don't understand. I see everyone saying when they get their BFP how blessed they are, but then I don't undestand things even more. What about all these awful parents out there? God planned for these children to be born into abuse? I guess I'm too much of an awful person to be a mom. I read online of women who are on their 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and up child. I just want one, I'd be grateful for just one!

This whole TTC process seems to go hot and cold, it is so stressful. It's been almost a year, my DH and I have faught and cried and tried month after month and I wanted to let him know I was pregnant on Christmas morning. I had this whole plan all planned out but it just fell a part. DH and I got into an argument because he felt our scheduled BDing isn't romantic and he was too out of it to *cough* *cough* do what we needed to do, even though it was perfect timing---so even the ornament I was going to use in hopes of getting the positive HPT and hanging it on our Christmas tree for him to see--got smashed because I knew it was over. He keeps reminding me that I need to go to the dr. to get her advice (since she was the dr. I went to when I was pregnant) but I keep telling him I want to wait until after the holidays so I don't have to juggle that too.

I just want to cry. I just want to give up because I just don't undestand. And of course the almost daily pregnancy announcements on FaceBook don't help the emotions, either.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

New Baby Items


I'm bad, I know. But I couldn't help it!!!

I love Disney so I was so excited when I seen these, I've never seen them before. The socks say the cutest thing and the hat has a crown on it and it says what my glass slipper said when my husband proposed to me so it was special in a different way :) Hubby loved them and thought they were so cute :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why I will NEVER Co-Sleep

X-Posted from

This is not a debate. I wanted to share with you girls what I experienced today. Before I begin I want everyone to know that when you have a child you have the right to raise your child however you see fit; your life, your child's life, your decisions. As some of you know I work for the Sheriff's Office of my county and this is what we dealt with today.

These are the exact words from the police report.

"They stated at approximately 0030 hours they were getting ready for bed and the victim was crying and wouldn't go to sleep. The couple gave the victim a baby bottle full of formula which seemed to help. They then put the victim on top of a pillow in the middle of the bed and went to sleep. The reportee states that at approximately 0125 hours he woke up and found blood on him near his shoulder and in the bed; the victim was not breathing and he then called 911. There was a blood stain on the sheets in the center of the bed."

The family called 911 this morning to report their 2 month old son was bleeding from the nose and mouth.

This afternoon we were told the child had died. The parent had rolled over on top of the child; both parents were in the bed.

I don't want to sway anyone's decisions to how they parent their children, obviously I am more than sure you can guess what my choice is. I know there is a significant risk of SIDS associated with crib sleeping (which is now being linked to ventilation) but I cannot begin to imagine what it could have felt like to wait up, less than an hour later, covered in your child's own blood on you, in your bed, then the child to be pronounced dead the next day. It is simply for your information. To have to talk with the Department of Forensic Science about dead 2 month old due to co-sleeping was soul shattering, by far one of the worst things I have experienced and I hope and pray that none of us, our family or our friend, or their family or friends ever have to go through something like that.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

10 Month Mark and Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Tree

Well it has been a pretty good while since I have posted. Mostly because of the fact that some people don't understand what a "blog" is, that it is an opinion and point of view and after the nasty comments I got on some of my posts, I just figured to delete them. I guess I will vent in writing about the things that aren't considered "Politically Correct", even though I've gotten emails from ladies who feel the same way I do but don't have the guts to say what I say.

Not a lot has changed though. I am still not a mommy. It has been over 10 months on the TTC process (after the loss in Oct. of 2008). I have chosen to go see my OB/GYN that I saw when I was pregnant in January if I'm not pregnant by then. I will have covered the usual 12 month TTC mark, even though I know that isn't necessary since I've been charting, temping and using OPKs. I still have a normal period, around 31 days (some days 30 because it will come a few hours before midnight on the 31st day). Not a lot of pain with AF or anything, but it is usually only about 3-4 days and there have been months when my LP has been short so one of the first things I'm going to ask for is a progesterone test to be done. But maybe everything will work out, I feel like maybe she'll be more open to seeing if there is a problem since she has my ultrasound and blood work from the last time I was pregnant.

The most interesting thing that has changed is now I am on "Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Chrsitmas Tree" code worded MHADBC for short ha ha, yes it does sound weird but for our anniversary I got him an iPod Touch and a different set of ear buds (I hated the ones that came with mine) so I wrapped them seperately and gave him the ear buds first (kinda like so he would be like "What are these for"). Later that night he told me that he got really excited when he saw the package because it was oddly shapped because he thought it was going to be a BFP. He also said that I told him that he would be mad at me over the gift and he thought it was my way of telling him I was pregnant (don't quite understand this one). So he was really excited thinking I was pregnant. Which was crushing.

So the other day in the store we had went to get some Halloween candy for a friend of our's twins and he wandered off and came back holding a little girl 0-3 month Christmas dress and he had this look on his face of "OMG is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen and OMG why are we not pregnant because I want I a baby because I talk about it all the time so I think about it all the time and I want to spoil our child rotten and it isn't here yet". Dont' ask me how I know this, I just do. So to aide in the Operation MHADBC I have gotten the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and even though it is month one, I'm hoping (especially since I've got 12 boxes of CBE OPK pee sticks to use too!) and I started taking soy isoflavones (the natural clomid) but I'm a litte scared. It feels weird really trying to get pregnant. I won't have anyone to complain to when I am pregnant and have NO excuses to not have everything in order, bought and paid for.

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