Saturday, December 26, 2009

Preparing for the Road Ahead

I have to say that our Christmas went rather smoothly. I was so worried due to all of our family drama (on both sides) but we made it and I couldn't be happier!! We plan on taking a vacation next year during Christmas just to avoid the drama and all the stress. Going to my Aunt's house, my mother's house, his mother's house, his grandmother's house (mom's side), his grandmother's house (dad's side), then his father's house....we're a bit tired. I think we got up on Christmas morning around 7:00 AM and we didn't get back home until after 10:00 PM and we did nothing but go all day!!

I was a little sad because his uncle has 3 small children that are all 3 under three so the Christmas over there was of course centered totally around the children but I kept reminding myself of the "one day". Of course, I was already excited because on Christmas morning when I took my Fertility Monitor reading I got a PEAK reading! It was on CD 21 (just like clock work!) and I have yet to tell DH. I feel bad, like I'm keeping something from him but he gets so worked up and so nervous because he puts pressure on himself to preform that sometimes he has problems (or course not ANY other time than THE "Perfect" time). We BD'd last night and maybe we will tonight but I'm almost certain that I have already O'd. I got a positive OPK (pee stick) on Christmas Eve and was trying to wait up for him but I fell asleep about 45 minutes before he got home! Uggghh, I was so mad at myself!

And we went shopping today and I bought something that somewhat made me feel better, but in a way it was more like a goal for the year. Since all the Christmas items were on sale I got a little sleeper that says "My 1st Christmas" and bought it in front of DH because I looked at him and told him that we would need that by next Christmas and in my heart I really think, and it may be more of a hope, but I just feel that we will have a little one by next Christmas. We may not but in my heart I just feel it and I hope that maybe we will have our own little miracle next year. And if not, at least we'll probably be on a cruise ship sitting on a sandy beach in Mexico!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sometimes I wonder when the sadness of all of this wears off. I hate that lingering feeling in the back of my mind, even when I try to be my goofy, happy self. I catch my husband checking chicks out when we go out to eat and it breaks my heart. Of course they are about 25-40 inches tall and their weight varies from about 20-45 pounds and their hair usually had lots of bows and they have to eat their food from a baby jar and sit in a high chair......but I think all of this hurts him as much, if not more.

It seems I become a pregnant stalker. I look at all the things that I would love to have when we get pregnant and have a baby. It feels like a whole world that I won't get to experience. I try not to get too involved with all that I would love to do when I get pregnant but I want to keep all of that for when I AM pregnant. I just imagine that time will be full of so much joy, I keep telling myself I will be so fully of happiness I will feel like I could burst. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when I get to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and get to see my husband's face when he realizes he is going to be a father. I can't even begin to imagine how full of joy and awe I will be in when I get to go pick out my nursery items and begin to set up a nursery and buy baby clothes and sit everyday and talk to my baby.

I cry when I talk about things with my husband. I'm not baby obsessed but there are things that I just don't understand and I am so thankful that he will listen to me and talk with me but as much as I'm not baby obsessed I also try and not be TTC obsessed. The whole process just scares me because people who have been trying to have a baby for less time have already moved on to IUI or Pre-IVF appointments and I'm not sure that is something I want to move to, then I question myself of why I wouldn't. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn to months it just ticks closer to when I said I would go back to my OB/GYN like my husband has asked and I am horrified. I'm scared about what she will say, I'm scared she will blow me off, I'm just scared in general.

Friday, December 11, 2009

So as much as I try to keep my head up about this whole process, I can't.

Another month of BFN and I've done all I can do to try and stay in good spirits. Joined the TTC message board only to feel alone and see the swoons of BFPs everywhere. I try to talk to friends, who have no idea, I try to talk to my husband who is amazing and supportive but can only understand so much, I read magazines, articles and books to try and learn new things.

I have never felt more alone in this process than I do right now. I don't even think I can explain it. I told a friend of mine that knows we've been trying that it feels like my whole soul is empty. Sounds dramatic but it is a deep pain that is hard to even describe.

I don't know, maybe it is just time to hang it up because I don't feel that I have anyone in my corner. I can't talk about this to anyone in real life because it isn't something that anyone in my family has experienced, the actual "trying" to have a baby, it just happened. DH's family and I are aren't very close so I
definintely can't talk to them. Even though some have asked if we are trying and sometimes I will answer "We're thinking about it" because deep down I don't want their advice that is outdated by 20 years (since no one in either family is anywhere near my age LOL). Maybe I should join a few message boards and maybe I wouldn't feel the "clique-ishness" as much. Maybe it is just all together frustrating. Maybe it is just the season, with the Kay Jeweler's commercials with the newborn and the Pampers Christmas commercial with the newborns with "Silent Night" playing in the background.

Maybe I'm still too young, we're pretty young, we could do all kinds of things. We could still be wild! It isn't that I don't want a child but I started all of this after 1.) a loss and 2.) after my husband wanted to start trying. After about 6 months of doing the laid back approach we decided to bring in the bigger guns and start using OPKs and offically turn to TTC so I guess I really did warm up to the idea and really did want that but sometimes I wonder if we're not doing this too soon. We could still spend years together traveling and enjoying restful nights, but then I can't imagine when we think we're ready again how long it would take since this has already been a year long process. It is also quickly approaching that big 3-0 mark for DH, which he wanted to have children by the time he was 30 so maybe after the New Year we we evaluate some things.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Becoming Heartbroken

My temp is back down to where it was when I started AF last month so I am sure I am out. Especially with my late O and I usually start AF every 31 days so my LP will be too short to sustain a pregnancy anyway.

I just want to give up, I just don't understand why my body fails me over and over and over and over again. I've done so much, I've timed BD, not timed BD, I temp, then not temp, I've charted for months and it seems I O every month, I use OPKs (3 different brands), I've done my own research on OPKs after discovering that one can be positive and another can be negative so some are more sensitive than others, I've got the CBEFM and got peak days on it the first month I've used it, I've taken prenantal vitamins, I've taken Soy Iso, I've used Instead Cups, I've used baby asprin, I've checked my cervix, I've investigated any type of CM I see, I've had sex in all the postions, I've propped my butt up, I've not propped my butt up, I've read the books, I've read the articles, I've done the reasearch, and then I've tried the whole "Don't stress and let it happen naturally" yeah, thanks for that advice.

I just want to cry, I just don't understand. I see everyone saying when they get their BFP how blessed they are, but then I don't undestand things even more. What about all these awful parents out there? God planned for these children to be born into abuse? I guess I'm too much of an awful person to be a mom. I read online of women who are on their 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and up child. I just want one, I'd be grateful for just one!

This whole TTC process seems to go hot and cold, it is so stressful. It's been almost a year, my DH and I have faught and cried and tried month after month and I wanted to let him know I was pregnant on Christmas morning. I had this whole plan all planned out but it just fell a part. DH and I got into an argument because he felt our scheduled BDing isn't romantic and he was too out of it to *cough* *cough* do what we needed to do, even though it was perfect timing---so even the ornament I was going to use in hopes of getting the positive HPT and hanging it on our Christmas tree for him to see--got smashed because I knew it was over. He keeps reminding me that I need to go to the dr. to get her advice (since she was the dr. I went to when I was pregnant) but I keep telling him I want to wait until after the holidays so I don't have to juggle that too.

I just want to cry. I just want to give up because I just don't undestand. And of course the almost daily pregnancy announcements on FaceBook don't help the emotions, either.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

New Baby Items


I'm bad, I know. But I couldn't help it!!!

I love Disney so I was so excited when I seen these, I've never seen them before. The socks say the cutest thing and the hat has a crown on it and it says what my glass slipper said when my husband proposed to me so it was special in a different way :) Hubby loved them and thought they were so cute :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why I will NEVER Co-Sleep

X-Posted from

This is not a debate. I wanted to share with you girls what I experienced today. Before I begin I want everyone to know that when you have a child you have the right to raise your child however you see fit; your life, your child's life, your decisions. As some of you know I work for the Sheriff's Office of my county and this is what we dealt with today.

These are the exact words from the police report.

"They stated at approximately 0030 hours they were getting ready for bed and the victim was crying and wouldn't go to sleep. The couple gave the victim a baby bottle full of formula which seemed to help. They then put the victim on top of a pillow in the middle of the bed and went to sleep. The reportee states that at approximately 0125 hours he woke up and found blood on him near his shoulder and in the bed; the victim was not breathing and he then called 911. There was a blood stain on the sheets in the center of the bed."

The family called 911 this morning to report their 2 month old son was bleeding from the nose and mouth.

This afternoon we were told the child had died. The parent had rolled over on top of the child; both parents were in the bed.

I don't want to sway anyone's decisions to how they parent their children, obviously I am more than sure you can guess what my choice is. I know there is a significant risk of SIDS associated with crib sleeping (which is now being linked to ventilation) but I cannot begin to imagine what it could have felt like to wait up, less than an hour later, covered in your child's own blood on you, in your bed, then the child to be pronounced dead the next day. It is simply for your information. To have to talk with the Department of Forensic Science about dead 2 month old due to co-sleeping was soul shattering, by far one of the worst things I have experienced and I hope and pray that none of us, our family or our friend, or their family or friends ever have to go through something like that.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

10 Month Mark and Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Tree

Well it has been a pretty good while since I have posted. Mostly because of the fact that some people don't understand what a "blog" is, that it is an opinion and point of view and after the nasty comments I got on some of my posts, I just figured to delete them. I guess I will vent in writing about the things that aren't considered "Politically Correct", even though I've gotten emails from ladies who feel the same way I do but don't have the guts to say what I say.

Not a lot has changed though. I am still not a mommy. It has been over 10 months on the TTC process (after the loss in Oct. of 2008). I have chosen to go see my OB/GYN that I saw when I was pregnant in January if I'm not pregnant by then. I will have covered the usual 12 month TTC mark, even though I know that isn't necessary since I've been charting, temping and using OPKs. I still have a normal period, around 31 days (some days 30 because it will come a few hours before midnight on the 31st day). Not a lot of pain with AF or anything, but it is usually only about 3-4 days and there have been months when my LP has been short so one of the first things I'm going to ask for is a progesterone test to be done. But maybe everything will work out, I feel like maybe she'll be more open to seeing if there is a problem since she has my ultrasound and blood work from the last time I was pregnant.

The most interesting thing that has changed is now I am on "Operation: Make hubby a daddy by Christmas so I can hang the BFP HPT from the Chrsitmas Tree" code worded MHADBC for short ha ha, yes it does sound weird but for our anniversary I got him an iPod Touch and a different set of ear buds (I hated the ones that came with mine) so I wrapped them seperately and gave him the ear buds first (kinda like so he would be like "What are these for"). Later that night he told me that he got really excited when he saw the package because it was oddly shapped because he thought it was going to be a BFP. He also said that I told him that he would be mad at me over the gift and he thought it was my way of telling him I was pregnant (don't quite understand this one). So he was really excited thinking I was pregnant. Which was crushing.

So the other day in the store we had went to get some Halloween candy for a friend of our's twins and he wandered off and came back holding a little girl 0-3 month Christmas dress and he had this look on his face of "OMG is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen and OMG why are we not pregnant because I want I a baby because I talk about it all the time so I think about it all the time and I want to spoil our child rotten and it isn't here yet". Dont' ask me how I know this, I just do. So to aide in the Operation MHADBC I have gotten the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor and even though it is month one, I'm hoping (especially since I've got 12 boxes of CBE OPK pee sticks to use too!) and I started taking soy isoflavones (the natural clomid) but I'm a litte scared. It feels weird really trying to get pregnant. I won't have anyone to complain to when I am pregnant and have NO excuses to not have everything in order, bought and paid for.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

My Fertility Homework


So I'm reading my very first TTC book, and so far it has answered so many questions that I had all along. It is packed with such good information that I hadn't even thought of. I love the book because it is easy to understand, makes sense and makes you laugh. It's called
What to Expect Before You're Expecting from the What to Expect line.

I also have Taking Charge of Your Fertility which or course is the fertility bible, but it is much larger than I thought it was and is kind of intimidating, ha ha! I am excited to read that as well but right now I am so pleased with the What to Expect! There are even exerts for the dad-to-be to read and several are questions that my husband has asked me already!

Oh, and of course I'm having IPS all because I O'd more around the "normal" time I should O. The other day I went to the ladies room and thought to myself, God my boobs hurt! Then I realized, OMG my boobs hurt! I didn't even have to poke them to see if they were sore, they just were! Of course I've had some increased hunger and gas as well but I'm sure it is all imaginary. I even keep looking for implantation bleeding or CM discharge, and it has only been just a few days since I got that positive opk, ha ha!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm just giddy! :D

So last night before Brise and I went out to eat I took another OPK, expecting to see it either as faint as the one yesterday morning or fainter...but it was POSITIVE! I'm so very excited because it is only CD 17 and was exactly 14 days since the end of my period. I am still in so much shock! I really thought I had missed it because I got a pretty positive result from my Answer OPK on CD 16 that morning and a fainter line that evening, and since I took the first one in the AM but not after sleeping or 1st morning urine (I got home at 6 AM so I didn't have a build up or anything).

We BD'd last night so I'm keeping my fingers crossed but no matter what happens I am pretty excited! I can't wait to take my opk's for today (since I just woke up a few hours ago I'll be waiting until after 12 noon to take my opk) and see what it looks like. I think that will give me an idea of how good the First Response OPKs are.

AND I got my 2nd Cheri reading, it's at the bottom but it also says SEPTEMBER! I just hope, if it's true, that it is this September!




Friday, August 21, 2009

So I might just believe in magic!!!

So it is August. 8 months TTC. In the 8 months of TTC I have not ovulated anywhere near 2 weeks after AF. For the past 3 months I've had a very short LP, around 10 or less so last month I devised a plan. I thought to myself, I've never been like all the other TTC girls, I've never actually been in a two week wait (2ww). I've never had 2 weeks to wait after O to see if AF is coming or not. With that 2 weeks, she comes---like clockwork. Although one or two months my cycle has been thrown off by TTC, she's came. Ever so vigilant, every month.

So back to my plan last month, after reading about LP deficiencies I came across an article about low progesterone. It said to go get tested by your
OBGYN or do the easy thing and count from when/around O to when AF started. Since my OB has no openings until the end of September I thought, I'll try this progesterone cream, it can't actually hurt anything. So the deal was a day or so after O you rub it on, twice a day, until AF should arrive or a nice time length between O and AF (since you need over 10-12 days for the pregnancy to stick if you did indeed conceive). So on top of that I took my B6 and prenatals. I took B6 from about 2 weeks before O to about 2 weeks ago and I had been taking my prenatals. Even though my last AF was on June 28th, I didn't O until around July 22nd or so, positive opk on CD22, so I was able to hold off AF for about 11-12 days after O, which meant my cycle was the longest it has ever been in my entire life (literally) around 38 days. For kicks I took a pregnancy test on August 3rd....BFN and the next morning I woke up to AF (which was weird not feeling any cramps or anything).

So after the World War I of
TTC we had a few weeks ago, I have taken nothing. No prenatal vitamins, no B6, no progesterone cream. I threw away the opks, the digital opks, broke the thermometer and said I gave up. I told DH he could start buying the things when he got serious. So, last Sunday, after a whole whopping 7 day TTC break, he tells me he has a surprise for me. It was new bbt thermometer, ha ha! So I laugh it off and take my temp for a few days.

Then, 2 days ago, something happened. I had some
crampy type pain (ovary pains). I was thinking, there's no way. I'm not feeling what I think I'm feeling. I NEVER feel any O signs and it was only CD 14, I never even THINK of Oing when I should be. Then a few hours later I noticed some cm. Then the next afternoon the same thing. I came home and took an opk (which I had done everyday before just to keep track of it) but suddenly I see it. *2* lines?!? WTF!!!! Around the "perfect" time for me to O I have a positive?!

So DH and I did not
DTD yesterday (the day of the positive opk) and DH comes home to do some research and tells me what I already know, "A positive opk does not mean that you O'd or are O'ing as we speak. It means withing 24-36 hours you are at peak fertility" so we took advantage and got some BD time in. It would be 24 hours from when I got my pos opk (lets hope that maybe, just maybe we might catch it....I know we won't but still). He also did more research and found that there are a lot of good things people say about the 1st Response opk so I needed to get those this time. I did and took one this morning before we DTD. There were 2 lines there, not a positive line but there was definitely something there which still gave me hope.

Even a little bit of
magic feels nice. I have to admit I'm a little excited. I'm sure that it could possibly have something to do with all that I did last month but my point is that I am so excited and happy that I got to feel what all those other women feel, the "normal" ones! I'm still keeping my fingers crossed :)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Well AF showed today. That was a good morning present :(

I took a digital test last night and it said "Not Pregnant". I was using progesterone and B6 and got to around 12dop so I guess that is good, but not great. I was hoping the progesterone would hold it off until next week and I was going to stop taking it next weekend but I guess it is only so strong. At least that puts us a week sooner back into TTC for this month I guess.

On to August/September

Monday, August 3, 2009

The first pieces of our baby stash


So this weekend was the silent and live auction for a friend of mine, Amber Johns. She has a very rare form of cancer, EHE and we're organizing fundraisers to help fund her treatment at The Cancer Treatment Centers of America. I just found out today that we raised about $20,000! It is amazing!

So there was one thing in the silent auction that I had my eye on, it was a baby set and a monogramming package. I bid on it, then outbid someone on it, and won! I was so excited. I thought that my mother (who was there with my father) was going to have something snide to say because we aren't pregnant but she didn't. People from her work were there so for a while I was looking for somewhere else to sit instead of her table because I didn't want her friends to think I was crazy; didn't want to embarass her but she waved us over and wanted to see what all I had. She said she loved the stuff, she even wanted the blanket! She even told a story about when I was little and I had a best friend, Adray. Only Adray wasn't real, ha ha! After she told the story she told her friend, "Now ask her what she's going to name her daughter if she has a little girl" and I said "Adrianna, I got the idea from Adray, now only she'll be real one day!"

It made me feel good and oddly enough I didn't feel like a weirdo at all, even though most people who are TTC start a baby stash, to people who aren't TTC or don't have problems getting pregnant, I'm sure it seems a little strange to be buying things for a baby you don't have. But after all, all the proceeds went to charity anyway :)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Another month gone

So another month has gone. Still not a mommy and still haven't made him a daddy. I should have started AF yesterday but she isn't here yet, but I just got positive OPKs last week (but of course I use the Answer brand and everyone says that they are too sensitive so you get lots of false positives). Great. Perfect. The only shred of sunlight I get each month, that shows I'm fertile isn't really fertile, it's "fertile".

Since my ovulation is kind of weird I don't know how I'm going to tell my husband we need to spend $50 a week so I can get POAS kind so I can pee twice a day for almost 3 weeks. I'm sure he's going to love that. He called yesterday to the Reproductive Center of M. about getting a sperm count done because we will be paying out of pocket. They said "Oh sure, we can do that. It is $75 but your wife's OB/GYN has to sign off on the documents so the procedure can be done."

He was like, WTF?! Which I agree is crazy! I have no idea why, what does it matter? If I go to my dr. and tell her I want to do some fertility testing on my eggs there are no documents for him to sign off on! Women can get pregnant with other men's babies and their husband's and significant other's don't have to sign off on dr.'s visits. But at least the test is only $75. I figured it would be like $175 because even though it is a simple test to do, it usually is one of the first things that is done because it is so easy. Since so many people have it done and it is so important to do and everyone who is having trouble TTC gets it done I figured they would try and charge out the ass because of that fact.

I think I have a yeast infection, it isn't comfortable down there but I don't think I've ever really had a yeast infection. It isn't gross or anything, just uncomfortable so I was going to get the yeast infection tester kit but I knew after I spend that $20 bucks it would be positive for one and then I'd have to go back and spend $20 more bucks to get the treatment. Just my luck.

When I removed the applicator there was a little blood on the end. I just broke down and cried and cried because that isn't something I want to see. I don't want to see it for like 10 months!!! I want to see a positive pregnancy test, I want to see two lines and I want to tell him I'm pregnant because he wants kids so bad and my heart is getting crushed over and over. It breaks my heart to hear him say "Did you start your period?" and (for example this month) "No, but I'm not sure when I'll start because it says I o'd just last week."

I don't understand why NOW when we're TTC my cycles are going crazy? I thought for sure because AF was so predictable, PERFECTLY 31 days that my O would be on a similar regular schedule. Uh, no. So I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, B6 and using progesterone cream to try and extend my LP (which has been short for months since I've been tracking). But since I tested today and got a BFN obviously it isn't going to matter since I haven't conceived anything to have to try and keep "stuck".

It is just breaking my heart.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I'm not sure I can do this, I really don't think I can.

I don't understand why this is rocket science?! I've been pregnant before so I know I'm able to get pregnant--I don't want to talk about that but it was natural, no OPKs, no temping, no vitamins, nothing--just natural.

Now I'm using OPKs, charting, temping, taking B6, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, progesterone cream, cutting down on caffeine, tons less stress and noting. For months. I just don't think I can do this. It is always something new to read---these OPKs are too sensitive, have sex every other day, have sex every day, have sex during a full moon while standing on your head...

I just don't get it, and then to be on these message boards and read about people trying to conceive THEIR 7TH CHILD?!!! What in the hell do you need seven f%*king children! I think I would love one or two children just as much as I would love SEVEN! I think some people want a large family and more power to them but I think sometimes they are selfish. All that time, energy and money they could put into one, two or three children. But I guess the more children the more tax write-offs and government beneifits.

I just don't think I'm strong enough to do this because my husband thinks it is oh so simple and I swear he acts like an 8 year old. it would be so nice to have support---I just don't get it! He's the one after all that wants this baby and I just don't know how everything is suppose to work, having a job, having a kid and he wants me to stay home-which would be great in theory. He would rather work 2 jobs and be gone all day 6 days a week so I can stay home but it isn't fun to be by myself all freaking day--but his families business is very important to him but I already know it is more important than me or the family we could have

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Road to a Miracle

Hello, my name is Brandie and I started this blog because my husband Brise and I are trying to conceive our first child. We've been together since we were young, since I was 13 and he was 17, and we've been married since October 21, 2006. We have two dogs, a small female poodle named Sadie who I've had for years, and another poodle mix that we took in from our neighborhood; Buddy.

Brise is very excited to become a daddy one day. It hasn't been as easy as we thought but we're learning. We started our journey with trying to let nature take its course by just being together but after a few months we decided we would actively get more involved. I've been using ovulation predictors for a few months and I've added prenatal vitamins as well as B6 after noticing a short LP cycle.

This month I'm considering using progesterone cream but just as easy as it is to use it it is also pretty serious if you stop taking it or forget to. I'm not one that runs to the doctor for each and every thing so I'm going to put forth a few more months worth of effort before I go and discuss any issues with my OB/GYN. Because of events in the past I'll be changing to a new OB/GYN so I have to make a list and make some visits to different places. My husband has already decided which hospital he would like to have our child out but we'll need to take visits of the hospitals and get a good idea of the care and atmosphere.

I think my husband is more excited about our journey than I am, I'm one of those who isn't sure if there is ever a "perfect time" to have a baby, it is such a responsibility and you give up so much to have a child. You give up your time, freedom, independence and together time, you give up your life because it is no longer about you. I know that it is worth it but it is a lot to think about.

We've only told two people we're trying, a great guy he works with and my best friend. My mom and dad I don't think will be excited at all, they live very young and my mother already doesn't even want to be called "grandma", after all she rides a motorcycle and they take vacations once every other month. My husband's father is a very strange person, he is very cold and doesn't like me at all, never has but he's ok at times. We haven't spoken more than 20 minutes worth of conversation to each other in 10 years. My husband's family is very cold, his mother and father are divorced--both remarried. I know that his mother will be excited, she talks about it all the time. I only have my father's mother and father left and they've both got advanced stages of dementia so they won't understand when I'm pregnant but he still has both sets of his grandparents so maybe they will be excited.

It is a scary journey but he and I have been though a lot of tough times and we've made it this far and still love each other very much so I'm willing to take this journey with him. I don't think I could ask for a more excited man to have a baby with, I just hope I can make him a daddy soon.


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