Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sometimes I wonder when the sadness of all of this wears off. I hate that lingering feeling in the back of my mind, even when I try to be my goofy, happy self. I catch my husband checking chicks out when we go out to eat and it breaks my heart. Of course they are about 25-40 inches tall and their weight varies from about 20-45 pounds and their hair usually had lots of bows and they have to eat their food from a baby jar and sit in a high chair......but I think all of this hurts him as much, if not more.

It seems I become a pregnant stalker. I look at all the things that I would love to have when we get pregnant and have a baby. It feels like a whole world that I won't get to experience. I try not to get too involved with all that I would love to do when I get pregnant but I want to keep all of that for when I AM pregnant. I just imagine that time will be full of so much joy, I keep telling myself I will be so fully of happiness I will feel like I could burst. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like when I get to see my baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and get to see my husband's face when he realizes he is going to be a father. I can't even begin to imagine how full of joy and awe I will be in when I get to go pick out my nursery items and begin to set up a nursery and buy baby clothes and sit everyday and talk to my baby.

I cry when I talk about things with my husband. I'm not baby obsessed but there are things that I just don't understand and I am so thankful that he will listen to me and talk with me but as much as I'm not baby obsessed I also try and not be TTC obsessed. The whole process just scares me because people who have been trying to have a baby for less time have already moved on to IUI or Pre-IVF appointments and I'm not sure that is something I want to move to, then I question myself of why I wouldn't. As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn to months it just ticks closer to when I said I would go back to my OB/GYN like my husband has asked and I am horrified. I'm scared about what she will say, I'm scared she will blow me off, I'm just scared in general.

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