Another month gone

So another month has gone. Still not a mommy and still haven't made him a daddy. I should have started AF yesterday but she isn't here yet, but I just got positive OPKs last week (but of course I use the Answer brand and everyone says that they are too sensitive so you get lots of false positives). Great. Perfect. The only shred of sunlight I get each month, that shows I'm fertile isn't really fertile, it's "fertile".

Since my ovulation is kind of weird I don't know how I'm going to tell my husband we need to spend $50 a week so I can get POAS kind so I can pee twice a day for almost 3 weeks. I'm sure he's going to love that. He called yesterday to the Reproductive Center of M. about getting a sperm count done because we will be paying out of pocket. They said "Oh sure, we can do that. It is $75 but your wife's OB/GYN has to sign off on the documents so the procedure can be done."

He was like, WTF?! Which I agree is crazy! I have no idea why, what does it matter? If I go to my dr. and tell her I want to do some fertility testing on my eggs there are no documents for him to sign off on! Women can get pregnant with other men's babies and their husband's and significant other's don't have to sign off on dr.'s visits. But at least the test is only $75. I figured it would be like $175 because even though it is a simple test to do, it usually is one of the first things that is done because it is so easy. Since so many people have it done and it is so important to do and everyone who is having trouble TTC gets it done I figured they would try and charge out the ass because of that fact.

I think I have a yeast infection, it isn't comfortable down there but I don't think I've ever really had a yeast infection. It isn't gross or anything, just uncomfortable so I was going to get the yeast infection tester kit but I knew after I spend that $20 bucks it would be positive for one and then I'd have to go back and spend $20 more bucks to get the treatment. Just my luck.

When I removed the applicator there was a little blood on the end. I just broke down and cried and cried because that isn't something I want to see. I don't want to see it for like 10 months!!! I want to see a positive pregnancy test, I want to see two lines and I want to tell him I'm pregnant because he wants kids so bad and my heart is getting crushed over and over. It breaks my heart to hear him say "Did you start your period?" and (for example this month) "No, but I'm not sure when I'll start because it says I o'd just last week."

I don't understand why NOW when we're TTC my cycles are going crazy? I thought for sure because AF was so predictable, PERFECTLY 31 days that my O would be on a similar regular schedule. Uh, no. So I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, B6 and using progesterone cream to try and extend my LP (which has been short for months since I've been tracking). But since I tested today and got a BFN obviously it isn't going to matter since I haven't conceived anything to have to try and keep "stuck".

It is just breaking my heart.